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New edition of the Journal of the Bleeding Obvious

I’m in the wrong job

If you’ll excuse the expression, arse bloody arsington arse! The Irish Medical Organization (IMO) has decided it needs to renegotiate the retirement package of one of its former CEOs, because it appears to have left them with a liability of €25 million. George McNeice got a pension fund of €4.5 million; a severance payment of €1.5 million and annual payments over 16 years totaling €3.6 million. And this is the IMO! (hands up those who didn’t know it existed). I mean come on there can’t be more than a couple hundred of those ruddy-cheeked docs, surely? Apparently, the deal was negotiated by a former CEO ‘who is now deceased’. I imagine he died of shock when it was given the OK by the remuneration committee – some members of which were ‘unaware of the details’. I bet they were. And we worry about BMA bigwigs getting the occasional gong. I bet they’d settle for a couple of million instead.

They must be joking

So, a holiday health experiment was conducted by a tour operator and guess what? Yes – holidays are good for you (every time I sit down to write of these columns I seem to come up with another item for the Journal of the Bleeding Obvious). Their subjects found that a nice holiday reduced their blood pressure, improved their sleep and helped to reduce stress. So I know for a fact that none of them have spent two weeks incarcerated with the ex Mrs Nelson in a Greek ‘family hotel’ with two snotty-nosed kids and dodgy air conditioning, while the luggage found its own way to Tenerife. I’m here to tell you that, far from reducing blood pressure and stress levels, that particular experience induced heavy drinking and inappropriate (apparently) behaviour with chamber maids. Not to mention a brief sojourn in a police cell, only terminated by the surrender of all my remaining Greek currency, after my entirely justified complaint to the hotel manager concerning the air conditioning resulted in his unexplained collapse with a rather nasty facial fracture.

Still, the trip did lead directly to the divorce, which in turn brought all the benefits that Kuoni were claiming for their holidays. So perhaps they’ve got a point.

Do they mean us?

I was a bit concerned when I read this. I’ve made no secret of the fact that my income from journalism is insufficient to meet all my needs, and that I’ve been forced to diversify, often in partnership with my entrepreneurial colleague Lenny Spunge. One quite profitable venture has been our teeth-whitening clinic, so the thought that dentists were trying to curb our activities was irritating, to say the least. I see they are saying that ‘the risk is increased if treatment is carried out away from a dental surgery’. No sunshine – the risk is increased if treatments are carried out by a bunch of depressed alcoholics who weren’t clever enough to get into medical school. So button it, or Lenny and the boys will be paying a visit to BDA headquarters. Then you really will need some restorative dental treatment.

Clap hands for Nottingham

I seem to remember that way back when I was still at medical school, Nottingham was often referred to in hushed tones as a city where there was so much spare ‘crumpet’ (these were the 70s, OK?) that it was almost impossible not to score several times a night. There were loads of girls, rumour had it, and they weren’t too fussy. Well, it looks as if there may be a downside to all that free love, because Nottingham is now top of the league for university clap clinics. If you believe the report, they even give out coloured condoms. I wonder if today’s chlamydia donors are the offspring of the young ladies who serviced my generation? I see that Cardiff comes (sorry) bottom of the league. That’s a miserable thought isn’t it? – a homesick eighteen year-old in Wales on a wet Saturday evening with an irritating discharge and no-one to dish out the penicillin. No wonder they resort to sheep (I was trying to work in a joke there that would allow me to say piss orfe, but nothing sprang to mind).

Can’t believe they’d notice

Here’s one that doesn’t really ring true – one in three trust finance directors thinks that the quality of care in their hospitals is declining. How would they know, and why would they care? I haven’t met one yet who looked further than balancing the books every April, and I’m not sure that Barry Wilson, the FD at the MBoE Trust even knew he worked in a hospital. How else do you explain his BOGOF suggestion as way of avoiding closure of the obstetric service?

Migraine sufferers boldly go…

Can a Star Trek-type headband reduce migraine attacks? asks The Mail. The answer is almost certainly no, you tossers. In a massive double-blind trial involving a whole 10 patients, the unfortunate group wearing the headband experienced a negligible and statistically insignificant reduction in the number of attacks. Migraine attacks that is. Which was more than made up for by the number of physical attacks they experienced as a result of their walking around the streets looking like complete dickheads.

You know, I look back at what I’ve just written, and I can’t help thinking that I risk coming across as a bit curmudgeonly. Nothing could be further from the truth – since I escaped from that bunch of po-faced wassocks I used to be forced to work with in the Nash, my disposition has become almost sunny. I’ve even stopped verbally abusing the Big Issue sellers, although I still kick their dogs if I’m having a bad day.

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One Response to “New edition of the Journal of the Bleeding Obvious”

  1. Radman says:

    I wonder what would happen if all the members of the IMO resigned resulting in no funds to continue to pay the liability to the former CEO? They could then perhaps individually decide form a new association called er the Real IMO for example.

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