Nelson's Column, Bolg, Blog, whatever...

Taking general surgery to high office – a nation expects

Jerry to stand for office

So the doctors are coming to the rescue of the NHS? My arse! Bunch of pinko wets – I was surprised to see that the beardy dweeb urologist Johnson hadn’t signed their pathetic whiny letter (and who reads the Independent on Sunday anyway? Presumably people who are biased for the rest of the week). Nothing wrong with a bit of a shake-up for the health service. As I’ve said before, packing the NHS beds with paying punters sounds like simple common sense to me.

Still if docs are going to be standing for parliament, I’m ready to step up to the mark and I won’t be wittering tearfully on about ‘fragmentation of the service’ and ‘creeping privatisation’ either. No, I’ll be standing on a platform of a minimum of 49% of NHS beds for PPs; a ban on anyone other than doctors (and preferably only surgeons) calling themselves ‘consultants’; restoration of consultant dining facilities in all hospitals, with complimentary wine at lunch, and a total ban on the wearing of beards by hospital staff (yes, you as well matron).

Doctors in trouble

The following is a public service announcement (and I hope you appreciate it – I don’t generally like the public very much, and if I’d wanted to provide a service, I’d have opened a shop or become a male prostitute). Have you received an email, apparently from someone you know, claiming to have been mugged in some outpost of the empire, and asking if you can wire them some cash? I have.

Pig Eyed Higgs, an ex-colleague (and I use the word loosely) from the MBoE Trust, emailed me to say he’d been mugged in Madrid and was desperately short of the readies. I might even have fallen for it if it hadn’t have been for the fact that no one in that benighted centre of medical mediocrity would dare to approach me for a loan, and especially not a bloody radiologist, given my well-known views on that most useless of specialties (well go on then – what have radiologists ever done for you?).

It transpires that this was not an isolated incident. Even the great and good are suffering. Dame Carol Black has also had her email account hacked into, and her contacts are being asked if they can wire cash to the Philippines. So if there are any junior doctors in Scotland already fumbling in their sporrans for a spare bawbee or two, don’t bother, it’s a scam.

Goodbyee…

Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet, but journalists live or die by the accuracy not only of their stories, but also of their predictions. A few weeks ago, in a story on snouts-in-the-trough civil servants at the DH, yours truly said that Andrew Lansley was on the way out. And now we read this – perspicacious or what?

Not that I’m happy to see a Tory replaced by a LibDem, mind you. Especially not if it’s that self-appointed guardian of the NHS, Dame Shirley Williams (two Dames in one page – who needs a society column when you’ve got me?). Mind you, I begin to see why she suddenly decided that the hapless Lansley’s Bill wasn’t really that bad after all – if it gets him the sack, her lot will be laughing. They really are all as self-serving as each other aren’t they?

20k a week? That might tempt me back

As you all know, circumstances have compelled me, temporarily, to step back from my role as general and hepatobiliary surgeon to the MBoE Trust, and I have embraced this opportunity to extend my career into journalism, back street high street breast prosthesis removal and aggressively but fairly-policed hospital car-parking services. However, it strikes me that at these rates, a return to the Nash on a locum basis might be in order, once the GM-bloody-C get their act together and see sense. And this level of spending looks set to continue for some time, given that the ‘scandal’ is being addressed by…wait for it…Andrew Lansley and Vince Cable.

As an aside, I know that someone – probably Shakespeare, it usually is – said ‘what’s in a name’, but I ask you, how can you appoint someone called Vince to a top job in government and expect him to be anything other than a complete twonk? He could at least play the part and adopt leather trousers and a DA.

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