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Everyone should have a cause – Jerry’s is the consultant car park

Arsington Mcarsey Arsestein Von Arse. Why won’t someone do something about parking in this bloody hospital? It’s getting beyond a joke. Everyone just parks wherever the arsing hell they want.

There was a time when all this was very simple. There was a small car park for the consultants, right outside the front of the hospital, with a nice attendant in a peaked cap, who would salute you when you arrived and give the old Bentley a bit of a polish while you were at work. The managers took the bus, the juniors never left the hospital so didn’t need to park anywhere, and the patients were borne aloft by their doting relatives who had walked for many days from their village to receive the rich bounty of the wise doctors’ learned opinion, whilst wringing their caps and generally sucking up to their superiors.

Now what? Every bloody prole above the rank of earthworm has got some cheap shitty car that they insist on driving in from their ghastly little housing estates (except the juniors who all drive sports cars because they’re all so overpaid) and they all expect to be able to park them outside MY hospital, which means I can never find a space unless I just block the doorway to the infection control department.

We used to have some sort of order, but the post of Parking Services Manager has remained unfilled since the last incumbent was admitted to a maximum security psychiatric hospital, allegedly after he received some (cough) abusive emails and a bit of (ahem) threatening behaviour.

Anyway, I was talking to a chum of mine who works at T’ Northern Bit O’England Eey-Oop NHS Trust. He says we’ve got it easy. At their place, parking is run by a private company that makes the Corleone Family look like the Care Bears. He said that last year they dished out 20,000 parking fines at 80 quid a go. I was stunned speechless for several moments, mainly because I’ve never been that hot at the eight times table. One point six million quid a year! Extorted out of hard working hospital staff, sick patients and their anxious relatives!!

I have GOT to get in on this action!

Right, gone in to business with my old friend Barry Spudge, who knows about this sort of thing. He hasn’t got any wheel clamps, but he’s got a crowbar, which he says is just as effective. Went to see this week’s Chief Exec to offer the trust the benefits of Nelson-Spudge Parking Enforcement Ltd. As usual, he was hiding under his desk just saying ‘wibble’ over and over, so I took that as a “yes”.

We shall bring ORDER to the car parks!

To be continued…

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One Response to “Everyone should have a cause – Jerry’s is the consultant car park”

  1. Mahesh says:

    This is absolutely hilarious ! I have read through your posts and must say you have great literary skills and if u are working for the NHS, you are wasting your writing talent . Kowtow.

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