Dr Blogs

‘Telling The Wrong Man He Had Cancer And Other Hilarious Stories’

“Never marry a nurse – if her lips are hot when you kiss her, and she trembles in your arms when you hold her, she’s got malaria!”

What do you think? Any good? No, I didn’t think so either.

But I am in need of some quick one-liners for the start of my One Man Show to grab the audience’s attention.

It’s very important to start well when doing stand-up comedy. There’s not quite the same pressure when you talk to patients in clinic – they’re always very attentive and unlikely to shout out “You’re shit!” during the consultation. Well, not often anyway.

I’ve been doing the ‘after-dinner speaking’ circuit for years.

I find it relatively easy now. I have a set patter of short stories and get regular quick responses from the audience.

But I wanted to challenge myself. So, this year, I’m taking my One Man Show to the Edinburgh Fringe in August.

The One Man Show is more difficult than an after-dinner talk. I’m going to have to explore medical humour in more depth so I need to set up longer stories and hope the audience comes with me.

That’s if an audience turns up. The competition for punters at the Fringe is intense.

It would serve me right if only one-man-and-his-dog turned up to my one-man show. I’m doing this purely for the experience. An indulgence, if you like.

I want to strike a blow for the silver-haired brigade. Afterwards, I’ll be able to look my two sons in the eye and say “beat that if you can”.

One thing is for sure, I doubt it’s going to help me secure me a Clinical Excellence Award.

I’ve opted for the following title: “Telling The Wrong Man He Had Cancer And Other Hilarious Stories”. I think this will grab some attention and also warn off the squeamish from attending.

It has had repercussions, however. I can’t stick up posters locally or in my own hospital. People are going to find it a bit disturbing to see ‘cancer’ and ‘hilarious’ in the same sentence, next to a photo of me smiling.

It is a true story of course. I managed to tell a poor man he had terminal lung cancer and only found out it was a case of mistaken identity after he had gone home.

The humour in the story is about the things I had to do to track him down to give him the correct diagnosis and his amazing reaction to the whole sorry episode.

Please be assured though that my humour is politically correct.

I don’t pick on minorities – we are all going to get ill and die. Actually, I do pick on pathologists a bit.

“Pathology is never having to say you’re sorry,” and “What’s the worst that can happen to a pathologist. He comes home at night and tells the wife ‘I’ve had a terrible day today – I found a pulse’”.

Ahem. I do promise you that I’m a lot funnier in the flesh.

Kevin is attending The Edinburgh Fringe from the 20-25 August, and details of how to buy tickets are on his website

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