Repressed or vulgar patients? Take your pick

I had a ‘tumpty-tum’ patient in ultrasound today, the sort who whistle or hum tunelessly to themselves while you are scanning them.

They are very much of a type, almost always men over 60 wearing brand new gleaming white underwear, clearly purchased by the wife for the trip to the hospital (for what man will go into M&S to buy white pants).

They are over co-operative in a generally unhelpful way, insisting on removing their shoes because they “don’t want to dirty the sheets”. Ask them to lie down they will climb on at the foot of the couch and somehow worm their way half way up then come to rest with their head not yet on the pillow and feet dangling off the end. Others will climb onto their hands and knees and lie on their belly. When asked to loosen their clothing they pull their knickers down to their knees, baring all. Put them in a hospital gown and all they want to do is take it off. And then starts the subliminal ‘tumpty-tumpty-tum’ while you do the business.

Don’t misunderstand me, I have great affection for these patients who are invariably polite and jovial. Their odd behaviour is because they are trying to compensate for their acute embarrassment. They are from a generation of men among whom bodily parts and functions were simply not discussed (other than by doctors who have a special dispensation).

My own late father was of that type. I have a vivid memory of many years ago while travelling with him in the car. I farted (as young lads are occasionally inclined to do). “What’s that?” he exclaimed. Then after an excruciatingly embarrassing silence lasting aeons he simply remarked: “Oh!” And that was it, no further conversation.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence the word “penis” never once crossed his lips, at least not in my presence. 

What a contrast to the 18-year-old lad whose scrotal hydrocoele I scanned the other day. He was completely uninhibited about getting his kit off, and discussed with me in great detail the differing size of his bollocks (his words) and the effect on his performance. He was also completely frank about discussing his girlfriend’s views on his endowments. He had a disarmingly complete lack of modesty.

So which extreme do I prefer? While the obsessive avoidance of anything remotely bodily speaks of a rather unhealthy repressed view on life, the total frankness of the other on all matters physical and sexual borders, to my thinking, on the vulgar.

I am going to have to think about this one…tumpty-tumpty-tum!

Tags: Patients