Tom Goodfellow

Tom Goodfellow is a consultant radiologist at University Hospitals Coventry and Warwickshire NHS Trust

Doctors rise to challenges for their patients

By Tom Goodfellow - 10th May 2012 2:39 pm

Our esteemed editor recently had a bit of a rant concerning our medical representatives. At first I thought he was going to write about those delightful lads and lassies who provide us with pens and mugs while trying to get us to use their drugs or whatever. But it turned out that he was referring to the officials of our various royal colleges and their apparent reluctance to mount any meaningful opposition to the Health Bill (with the possible exception of the RCGP’s Dr Gerada).

Now Bob Bury was able to put him right concerning the proper function of royal colleges which is primarily education, standards and training (although Bob himself was just a teensy bit involved in a recent attempt to get some political lead into the RCR’s pencil).

However our editor, although not a medical man, is in the fairly unique position of being on the edge of the establishment and able to peer in. Consequently we should consider his views seriously. “Wad some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us,” R. Burns.

Joe public at large has a rather bipolar view of the profession, shaped largely by the Daily Wail and TV medical dramas. I never watch any of these with the occasional exception of Scrubs where the blend of dysfunction and surrealism seems to capture something of the reality of working in the NHS.

Dysfunction and surrealism was brought into sharp focus a decade ago when a small trust in a neighbouring town was deemed to be failing. My own trust was mandated to take it over and sort it. However the reaction of the local population was vitriolic, my trust branded as vile asset strippers whose only aim was to close their beloved hospital.

At public meetings the medical failings of the trust were clearly stated. A hospital in which over 50% of the medical staff are locums clearly has issues. But representatives of the major royal colleges were dismissed merely as mouthpieces of the doctors’ unions (sic) when they pointed out that recognition for training had been withdrawn due to major clinical deficiencies.

All to no avail! It was clear that the good folk of the town in question would prefer to have heart surgery performed on the kitchen table by a junior doctor supported by a porter and a cleaner, rather than having to travel 12 miles up the road to the specialist centre. They decided that an unconscious head injury patient with a steadily deteriorating GCS would have a better chance of survival in the small A&E department, with no CT scanner and being managed by a locum casualty doctor imported for the weekend from Germany.

It was too dangerous for heart attack patients to be moved - they were better off being treated in the middle of the night by a locum FY1. And the fact that the obstetric unit had very inadequate paediatric cover and insufficient deliveries to attract quality obstetricians and midwives was of no importance. Reason, rationality and clinical evidence are irrelevant to the public when a beloved local hospital is threatened.

That is, of course, until something goes badly wrong. In which case both the managers and the doctors end up in the deepest doodoo with cries of “how could this be allowed to happen?”

However our editor’s challenge is that “every time a big old challenge comes over the hill there’s a lack of coordination and cohesion in the response”. But like the proverbial curate’s egg he is right only in parts. I agree that the profession is bad at challenging inept political tinkering with the NHS. My generation should have stood up to Margaret Thatcher when she took away doctor’s clinical freedom and introduced Griffiths managers to run hospitals.

I did try to stand up against Tony Blair’s top-down, command-and-control, target-driven, name-blame-and-shame management style which further destroyed clinical freedom. I believe this period did more to demotivate and de-professionalise doctors than anything else, and it largely explains why most of us are semi-detached from the current issues. This is why so many doctors and college officers made only token protests about the latest health bill; we have become used to being ignored!

But we can and do rise to the challenge if given the opportunity. Ten years down the line the small trust which we took over is thriving and growing. Its patients have most of what they had before, plus many additional high-quality specialist services and facilities. All this came about because the doctors, with management and the allied professions, got stuck in and made it work.

We can and do rise to challenges - especially if they are in the direct interest of our patients. What we are not good at is fighting the system.

Child protection: guilty until proven innocent

By Tom Goodfellow - 23rd April 2012 1:46 pm

Now whereas it is OK for Goldenballs to strut his stuff for H&M, (and doesn’t he look gorgeous), I need to reveal a dark secret from my past which may surprise and even shock some of you. I too was once a male model for a fashion shoot advertising underwear.

But back in 1957 at the age of eight I had very little stuff to strut. (“So nothing  changes,” mutters the wife). It was all very innocent; my favourite uncle was in the clothing import business and he was one of the first to market string underwear in the UK. The string vest, popularised by Rab C. Nesbitt and others, was the fashion icon of the fifties. I was recruited to model the horrible things for commercial flyers. My reward was a bottle of Tizer and a bag of crisps plus an endless supply of string vests throughout my childhood (which I refused to wear).

For the rest of my youth these pictures became a source of acute embarrassment to me, forever being trotted out by cruel cousins at inopportune moments. I can assure you that all remaining copies, including the negatives, have long since been destroyed so there is no likelihood of unfortunate images of an earlier me appearing on You Tube.

However these days are not so innocent and, as I am sure many of you will have already spotted, should a small boy  at school “disclose” (to use the modern parlance) that he had been taken by his uncle to a studio where he was photographed in his underwear by strangers then alarm bells would ring. The head teacher, fully aware of safeguarding responsibilities, would be on the phone to the social workers within minutes and the child would likely be taken straight into care until the courts decided whether he was at risk or not.

All this was brought to mind by the case of Baby Jayden, highlighted on the BBC Today programme.

This is a very tragic and disturbing case for a whole variety of reasons. The baby was found to have a number of fractures, a brain injury and subsequently died. His parents were charged with his murder but charges were dropped when it was discovered at post mortem that the child had rickets. No one could agree whether or not this contributed to the fractures. It then took a couple of years for the Family Court to finally dismiss the case and allow the parents to regain custody of their second child.

In the Today radio interview the redoubtable John Humphrys did his best to slag off the professionals involved in a deeply offensive way in my view. He railed against the radiologists at UH and GOS for failing to diagnose the baby’s rickets, suggesting that since this was a “Victorian” condition (sic) perhaps the radiologists were inexperienced at recognising it and would require further training. What nonsense! He then asserted that the parents had been treated by the authorities and medical teams as if they were guilty until proved innocent.

Well Mr Humphrys, if you can descend from your high moral ground perhaps you should take a few moments to study the extensive legislation concerning the safeguarding of children. You will discover that if there is any perceived risk to a child the authorities are obliged to take action irrespective of the interests of the parents. They are de facto treated as potentially guilty until it is proved otherwise. Sure this is not fair, but it is the reality! The same happens when a doctor is suspended by the employer as part of a disciplinary procedure. It is emphasised that suspension is a neutral act. You tell that to the doctor!

All those involved in child protection must walk a tightrope. Get it wrong, as with Baby P, then the consequences are drastic – a dead child and ruined careers. Sharon Shoesmith, head of children’s services at Haringey became a national hate figure. On the other hand if you over-call the situation then self-righteous prats like Humphrys and pundits on the Daily Wail will pillory you with no opportunity of reply.

A few years ago I remember seeing a cartoon showing a smiling Satan sitting at his desk in a fiery hell. In front of him were two trays, one marked “damned if you do”, the other “damned if you don’t”. This just about sums up child protection work these days.

Read a blog from the archive on Baby P.

The final straw for doctors … car parking fees

By Tom Goodfellow - 11th April 2012 10:59 am

The outrage was inevitable. Angry emails circulated denouncing perfidious management and damning all their works to Hades. Conspiracy theories multiplied implying all sorts of nefarious plots designed to bring total destruction to the profession and an end of life as we know it.

An urgent meeting of the Senior Staff Committee was called but predictably, despite all the vitriol, only the usual bunch of suspects bothered to turn up. However the discussion was robust with demands for explanations and calls for some form of punitive action. But in the end no clear way forward could be identified and the protest fizzled out.

And the cause of all this ballyhoo, the only subject that seems to arouse the passions of the profession these days - car parking, what else! It was the unilateral decision by the trust to allow an increase in car parking charges by a massive - wait for it - £8 a month (less for the lower paid staff). “Poor dears,” mutters the wife darkly, who earns peanuts working for a charity and who has to pay the full commercial day rate in the local multi-storey.

Now an additional £96 a year is not to be ignored in view of all the other current cost pressures. But with so many major issues currently confronting the profession it is strange that the matter of car parking continues to engender so much adrenalin and hypertension.

However, as with much in life, the issue is not that simple. The history goes back to the early years of the last decade when we were planning to build our squeaky new PFI hospital, which would combine two hospitals on one site plus a new medical school with a big clinical research facility.

There was a bitter battle with the local city council over the location of the new build, the local press siding with the council. The trust preferred the large site at the city edge with good access to the motorway system while the council wanted a tower block in the city centre (which as anyone who has ever worked in a tower block hospital will know would have been a complete disaster). There was the charade of public consultation but finally the trust case won the day, the correct decision in my view, but the public and council remained very hostile. The new hospital opened in 2006.

Right at the start of the process the trust planners made the case for both additional parking (a multi-storey car park) and several access points to the hospital site. The council (in pure revenge in my view) refused planning permission for both. Their basis for this was the ‘Integrated Public Transport Policy’ advocated by one John Prescott, then the Deputy PM and Secretary of State for the new Department of the Environment, Transport and the Regions (a bureaucratic behemoth if ever there was, finally disbanded in 2002).

As reported by The Guardian (in June 1997) Prescott stated, “I will have failed, if in five years time there are not many more people using public transport and far fewer journeys by car. It is a tall order, but I urge you to hold me to it.”

Well, despite his worthy intentions, he did fail and quite spectacularly (as in many other things). If the city council had hoped that Joe Public would abandon his car and use the bus to come to hospital, then they were living in cloud cuckoo land. Exactly the opposite has happened and sadly we and our patients are left with the mess.

The one single access is totally congested at peak times, frequently with traffic tailing back onto the approach roads. Emergency ambulances have to squeeze past as cars mount the pavements to let them through. On a good day it can take 30 minutes to get off the site, and on a memorable day last year when there was a freak snow storm, the whole place went into gridlock for hours.

There are also inadequate numbers of parking places for staff and visitors with long queues even to get into the parking areas. Patients frequently arrive late for appointments, fuming with anger, all directed at the hospital rather than the real villains. Doctors travelling between sites cannot get parked, and end up illegally double parking or on pavements. Damage to cars is a frequent occurrence. The level of frustration is huge, especially since we have to pay for a service which often cannot be delivered.

Then there are the car parking charges, certainly at the high end of the scale as compared to other hospitals; and the money all goes to the PFI company who run the car parks, not the trust. To be fair, the trust initially subsidised parking in an attempt to keep down the costs to staff and patients, but in these financially stringent times this was withdrawn with the consequent rise in charges, which triggered all the fury.

So Mr Prescott your ill-thought out policy which you failed to implement has resulted in quite the opposite effect. Rather than ‘green’ travel, we have ‘fume’ travel, i.e. fuming cars, fuming patients and fuming doctors!

“Man, proud man, dressed in a little brief authority, like an angry ape, play such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep” (Shakespeare)

I really wish I didn’t have to use the ‘local garage’

By Tom Goodfellow - 29th February 2012 10:29 am

I knew there was no point in trying to telephone since the number is always engaged, so first thing in the morning I popped into my local garage. It is a smart well-appointed place with modern equipment, obviously a lot of money around.

The receptionist looked up from her computer screen. “Yes”?

“I am having some problems with my car; I would like to see the mechanic.”

“Any particular one?” she asked briskly. I informed her that I had seen Joe in the past. “He is on holiday” she informed me. “Well what about Jim?”

“He is fully booked for the next two weeks, but I can let you have an appointment after that”. I told her that the problem was a little too serious to wait that long, and could I not be fitted in sometime today? “Well we are very busy you know. Can you give me a few more details”?

I muttered that I thought there was a problem with my exhaust. “With your exhaust” she exclaimed loudly, “What sort of problem”? Aware that the waiting area, full of anxious car owners, was now hushed I said that I was getting lots of odd rumbling noises and a strange smell.

At this point the telephone on the desk rang, so she turned away from me to answer. Clearly the person on the phone was more important than me. There followed a prolonged conversation with someone who could not make his appointment because his car would not start. “Well there is nothing we can do about that and the mechanics are far too busy to do a home start. If you can’t get your car here you will need to rebook”.

Turning back to me she finally relented and offered me an appointment with Fred who fortunately now had a cancellation. I stated that I had never heard of Fred; was he new? “Fred is a fully qualified mechanic; that is all you need to know” she retorted tartly.

He was running late, so I sat down to wait. The waiting area was festooned with posters advising regular servicing and advice on how to reduce consumption and cut down emissions with enhanced performance.

After about an hour I met with Fred who was cheerful, helpful and who quickly diagnosed the problem, a broken bracket. He asked me to pop over to the “parts” section to collect a new one which he would request online.

The thick plate-glass window at the “parts” section was closed, with a notice stating, “Please knock and wait. If we do not answer immediately it is because we are dealing with another customer’s requisition”. I knocked, and waited. After some minutes the window slid open and the receptionist said, “Yes”? I gave my name and explained I had come to collect a part.

“Well it is not ready yet, it has only just come through. You will have to wait. We are very busy you know.”

While I was waiting an elderly chap came to the window and asked for his part. It seemed that they would have to order it in and it would not be available until the next day. “But I am going away tomorrow, I need it today” he exclaimed. “Well I am sorry there is nothing we can do about that. You should have come to see the mechanic a bit sooner. Come back tomorrow” and the window slid closed.

A lady tapped on the window. It appeared that she had collected a part yesterday, but it was the wrong one. “Well you should have checked before you left the garage; this is clearly stated on the back of the packaging”. Flustered and apologetic the lady asked if it would be possible to get it changed. “I will speak to the mechanic, but you will have to come back later, he is very busy you know”. “So am I” retorted the lady to the closed window.

After about half an hour the window opened and a voice said, “Goodfellow”. I went over and, trying to inject a modicum of politeness into the conversation, confirmed that I was Mister Goodfellow, and collected the part (which I carefully checked before leaving).

Returning to the first receptionist I asked for another appointment with Fred. “He is fully booked for the next two weeks; I can give you an appointment after that. We are very busy you know”.

Of course this account is purely fictitious; I have an excellent relationship with my local garage. And in any case a business which treated its customers in such a manner would soon close. There are plenty of other garages around; we do have choice!

I want better continuity of care when it’s my turn

By Tom Goodfellow - 23rd February 2012 10:45 am

Last year a young woman (family acquaintance) was admitted to hospital during the night with severe colicky epigastric pain radiating to her back. By the morning (Friday) she had settled with analgesia. An ultrasound scan confirmed gall stones.

Although she was now well and completely symptom free she was kept in hospital over the weekend (why?) despite the fact that she had a three month baby at home.

She was reviewed on Monday by the clinical team. Because of a minor inconsistency in the ultrasound report it was decided that she needed an MRCP, rather than the more obvious solution of speaking to the sonographer who had performed the scan. The MR was requested later that day and an appointment booked for next Thursday morning (not bad for a non-urgent examination).

The patient, desperate to get home to her baby, asked to be discharged. However she was informed by the nursing staff, without any reference to the MR department, that if she went home she would lose her scan appointment and go to the back of the queue and have to wait “months” (which I happen to know is nonsense). But they did allow her to go home overnight as long as she was back by 7am in the morning so as “not to lose her bed”, (I promise I am not making this up).

She felt unable to challenge this and became quite distraught. Her family, literally left holding the baby, approached me for advice. Although I am sure I was breaking some GMC rule or whatever, I intervened and persuaded her that, since she was now better, it was perfectly reasonable for her to go home and return for her (clinically unnecessary in my view) MRI as an OP. The ward staff finally relented and she was discharged on Wednesday to return for her appointment at 11.30 the next morning.

Of course the ward did not inform the MR department, so sure enough when a porter was dispatched to collect her from the ward at the appointed time he phoned down to say that she was not there. The over-stretched MR staff, unaware of the situation, immediately filled her slot with another in-patient. When she turned up on time she was informed that her appointment slot had been re-allocated.

So in summary a young mother was unnecessarily kept in hospital blocking a bed for nearly a week, to wait for an inappropriate examination which was finally cancelled. This, of course, is against a background of relentless pressure on beds and a constant drive to shift patients out of hospital so as not to breach the targets.

I have avoided identifying the hospital in question but, hand on heart, could any of us swear that such things don’t happen in our own trusts? Sadly differing versions of the same story are commonplace, many far more serious, and I am sure that anyone reading this will have their own accounts. On a daily basis in my work I see patients who have clearly been kept in hospital to “wait for a scan” when it is obvious they are ready for discharge and further investigations could be done timely as an OP.

In the olden days it was too easy to blame radiology for delays, but now with e-requesting  we can frequently point out that the reason the scan has not yet been performed is because it has not yet, or only just been requested!

I am not trying to blame anyone for this; these issues have frequently been aired by others. The president of the RCP, on his meeting with the Prime Minister, stated: “I also discussed the considerable amount of anxiety among the medical profession regarding their ability to provide high quality medical care to patients due to the effects of the New Deal and the European Working Time Directive, and the increasing number of acute admissions and the ability of current services to respond to an ageing population.”

My own consultant colleagues tell me that continuity of care, which is essential for good patient management, has never been worse. They frequently conduct post-take ward rounds with no junior staff, or no one who has seen the patient since admission. Although there is great emphasis placed on the handover process, this is no substitute for a doctor who actually knows the patient. In such circumstances it is hardly surprising that there are regular communication failures and that the patient pathway is frequently chaotic.

I write as one who is steadily moving from being a healthcare provider to a consumer. I have a strong vested interest in seeing this sorted!

We can learn from Dr Thomas Barnardo and his ilk

By Tom Goodfellow - 31st January 2012 3:23 pm

The wife and daughter, in response to their post-Downton Abbey withdrawal symptoms, have started watching on Sunday nights the BBC adaptation of Jennifer Worth’s memoirs, Call the Midwife. This is based on her experiences in the East End of London in the 1950’s.

I watched last night’s episode with them, but then wished I hadn’t because of the memories it evoked. It featured Jennie, working as a district nurse, visiting an elderly man who was housebound with leg ulcers and living alone in a tenement flat. He was dirty, smelly and the flat was foul and infested with vermin and insects. The heroine was appropriately disgusted, but her innate goodness allowed her to overcome her middle-class feelings of revulsion and she became his friend.

Television always sanitises things, but the episode brought back the memory of events when I was a medical student at The London Hospital in the late 60’s, admittedly nearly a couple of decades later than the story, so things had started to change.

The first event was a request from a social worker to see if a group of us would volunteer to clean up the flat that belonged to a couple in their fifties. The man had summoned an ambulance to his partner and they found her cold dead in the bed, probably for several days, with a fungating untreated breast cancer. He was lousy with infected ulcers and was taken into hospital for treatment.

The one room they inhabited stank, and even after 40 years the memory of it makes my gorge rise! It was a scene far worse than any horror movie. Their four cats had been removed by the RSPCA, but the floor was covered with cat excreta. Electricity had long since been cut off and we used candles and torches for light. There was utter filth everywhere with greasy unwashed dishes strewn around the room and old rotten food on the table. None of us dared go near the bed which was a festering pile of verminous rags.

It was really a job for environmental health, not a bunch of naïve medical students. We did our best but made little realistic difference to the place. I came away mystified as to how a couple could descend to such utter degradation in the second half of the twentieth century. What had happened in their lives to render them so incapable of either caring for themselves or seeking help from others? What was their story; there would be one? Surely something could have been done to prevent that lady dying in such total darkness and despair?

The second event occurred the same year as some of us were wandering round the derelict areas of Stepney in the East End one warm summer’s evening. We came across an old building with boarded up windows but which had obviously been an institution of some sort. Above the door was engraved the words, “Dr Barnardo’s Home for Children. No Destitute Child Ever Refused Admission”.

Converted to Christianity at the age of 16, Thomas Barnardo believed he had a calling to be a missionary doctor in China. However when he began his studies at my alma mater in 1866 he discovered that his mission was on his own doorstep. The rest is history.

I learned a number of important things that warm summer so long ago. That compassion is more than just sentimentality, it frequently requires rolling up your sleeves and getting very dirty. That to be an empathic doctor requires at least some attempt to understand the complexities and perversities which govern people’s lives. And that one person with vision and commitment can make a difference to lives that seem blighted beyond hope.

These days the press is full of stories about indifferent doctors, uncaring nurses and neglected patients. Sadly many of these stories are true. We, in the modern NHS, would do well to reflect on the life of such people as Dr Barnardo, and many other similar pioneers whose love, faith and commitment helped so many.

Perhaps we will regain our soul!

Have politicians ‘gelded’ the medical profession?

By Tom Goodfellow - 5th January 2012 1:17 pm

His behaviour was becoming increasingly atrocious. He would kick, bite and refuse to do what he was told. He was always answering back and when there were females present his interest in them became embarrassingly obvious. It was clear that surgery was the only answer.

On the appointed day getting him sedated was a nightmare. However finally the needle slipped into the vein and the midazolam hit the spot followed by an appropriate slug of local anaesthetic. The procedure was a bit of a struggle, but after a few minutes the vet tossed the first testicle onto the stable floor, followed shortly by the second and the operation was deemed a success.

As the vet rinsed the gelding irons under the tap I showed the ‘orchids’ to a couple of builder’s lads who happened to be on site. One of them went pale and muttered “poor little bugger”, while the other reflexly placed his hands across his crotch in a defensive manner.

Over the next few weeks as the surging hormones abated our would-be little stallion metamorphosed into a sprightly co-operative gelding. (He has just been broken and is now up for sale, 12.2 New Forest, chestnut, suitable for an enthusiastic young rider. So if you are interested…Sorry Ed, but I couldn’t resist a free advert.)

Over the years politicians of all parties have regarded the medical profession with a great deal of suspicion. We are potentially a powerful testosterone-fuelled bunch, and they know it! I heard Ken Clarke, currently justice secretary but previously health secretary, remark on Radio 4 that the doctors were the hardest group he ever had to deal with.

The last time that there was serious confrontation involving industrial action was the junior doctors’ dispute in 1975 when Barbara Castle was in charge. The issues were pay, working conditions and a contract which would result in juniors working excessive overtime for 30% of basic pay (which would not arise in these EWTD days). It is argued that the industrial action was, in fact, counter-productive (although it is rumoured that we made Mrs Castle cry) but I prefer the personal account given by Dr Paul Goddard in his highly enjoyable polemic, The History of Medicine, Money and Politics.

But I am astounded that the current pension proposals, well outlined by the HCSA and more recently by the BMA have not roused the profession to utter fury. Since every penny of the huge increase in contributions will go simply to pay off the government deficits, it is in effect an additional super-tax on doctors. It is not even a stealth tax, it is quite blatant!

Yet when I speak to juniors about this it is clear that many have given the matter little if any thought. But to be fair I suppose it is hard to focus on pensions when it is 40 years in the future (or even longer under the proposed changes). Among many of my consultant colleagues there seems to be a feeling of quiet resignation; it is going to happen whatever we do so why waste time and energy making a fuss. Others quite clearly have fingers in their ears, tightly shut eyes and head deeply buried in the sand.  But when the brown stuff hits the pay packet I suspect that many will be deeply shocked.

For those within ten years of retirement the proposed ‘protection’ of existing rights seems designed to ensure that they will not rock the boat and risk losing all. And those who, following the pensions ‘choice’ exercise last year, decided to stay in the 1995 scheme with a view to retiring at 60 will suddenly wake up to the fact that the goalposts have shifted, and not in their favour.

It has long been the dream of our political masters to apply the metaphorical gelding iron to our professional nether regions, and I am becoming increasingly concerned that they have succeeded.

Hypocritical view of painkillers a pain in the neck

By Tom Goodfellow - 20th December 2011 8:49 pm

The old cervical spondylosis has been playing up recently, so while at my local Tesco I popped into the pharmacy to get a pack of my favourite pain killers. I find that a couple of Co-codamol usually does the trick. However the pharmacist evidently had other views.

“Have you taken these before?” I admitted that I had. “You know you are not supposed to take them for more than three days at a time.” I nodded.

“Are you taking any other medication?” I looked at the Christmas shoppers crowding around me and informed him that I was not too keen on discussing my medical history in public. “Well I can’t give these tablets to you unless I know”. I compromised by assuring him that I was not taking anything else containing paracetamol. But the interrogation continued.

“So why are you taking them?” Again aware of the growing interest around me I muttered that I had cervical spondylosis. “Can you speak up please?”

“Pain in the neck,” I shouted.

“So have you seen your doctor recently?” I answered in the negative, which was actually incorrect. The other weekend I bumped into him as he emerged from the local fish-and-chip shop with a guilty expression on his face; but I wasn’t going to tell this to the pharmacist.

“Well you really should see a doctor about this.” It was on the tip of my tongue to state the obvious, but I held back. I knew he would just respond by drawing himself up to his full five foot, four and tell me that I should know better!

“OK I will give them to you this time, but not in the future,” he finally conceded. At which point I totally lost my cool and advised him that he could shove his ruddy tablets up where the sun don’t shine, and that he was an arrogant, snotty-nosed little turd who should mind his own bloody business.

Well no, I didn’t say that, although I wanted to (Christian virtue can be so hard at times). I simply murmured my thanks and shuffled off, sensing his eyes boring malevolently into the back of my neck.

But as I turned the corner into the next aisle, before me was arrayed an endless vista of shelves loaded with every conceivable type of alcohol known to man. Wines, spirits, beers, liqueurs - like small children at a party all jumping up and down crying, “Chose me, chose me”. There was enough alcohol there to keep the England rugby team going for at least a week. So what will happen at the check-out?

“I see you are buying alcohol. Have you bought it before? Are you taking any other alcohol? You do know that you are only to take this in modest amounts? Why are you buying it, are you an alcoholic? Have you seen your doctor about this? I am not sure we should allow you to have this!”

Similarly the Christmas food: “I see you are buying double cream and full-fat soft cheese. Do you know this contains cholesterol which will block up your arteries causing your feet to go black, your heart to stop and your willy to shrivel up and fall off? Are you taking any other cholesterol? Have you seen your doctor about this?”

No of course that will not happen. On the contrary they will tempt you with half-price offers, BOGOF, slashed prices and giant economy multipacks. They will get local school kids (for charity) to help you pack it all and load it in your car. If you buy it on-line they will even deliver it to your house and load it into the fridge.

Not forgetting the packets of fags with their blunt mortality warnings Tesco are eager to sell us stuff which will pickle our liver, destroy our lungs, rot our brain and clog up our arteries without a qualm. Yet ask for a small packet of pain killers and sirens wail, alarms flash, security guards rush up and a big man with a taser gun says: “You want to buy what! Are you mad? Don’t you know that this stuff can be harmful if you take it for more than three days? Have you seen your doctor?”

Ah well, so much for the Nanny State.

Have a merry low-cholesterol Christmas and a very sober but happy New Year.

I’ve developed a nasty dose of disaster fatigue

By Tom Goodfellow - 4th December 2011 7:09 pm

I have just returned from a late Autumn break in sunny climes. While dozing on a sun-bed I was approached by a vendor who wanted to sell me an English newspaper. I immediately screamed, “No, no, no!”. I closed my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and chanted, “La, la, la, la - I can’t hear you.” Looking puzzled he went away; but I noticed he did a rather good trade among other holidaying Brits, flogging yesterday’s Daily Mail and Sun.

But what masochistic idiot, while on holiday, would want to read anything in a British newspaper these days, even comics like those two? Every page is littered with words like crisis, catastrophe, meltdown, austerity, calamity, disaster. In a ‘head for the hills’ sort of way the Governor of the Bank of England has just announced that banks should brace themselves to withstand the “extraordinarily serious and threatening” economic situation, although I suspect the concept of bankers “bracing” themselves is a euphemism; but let’s not go there!

It seems that the Germans would like to take over Europe (again), the Greeks are revolting (at least they will after lunch), the Iranians are planning Armageddon (if the Israelis don’t get there first), the Arab Spring has not yet sprung and Jeremy Clarkson is being, well, himself. In Iceland a huge volcano Katla is showing signs of an immanent eruption which is likely to make the eruption of  Eyjafjallajokull resemble a school firework party and, oh horror, the National Audit Office has discovered that the Care Quality Commission is “struggling”. Well there’s a surprise!

On 30 November nearly all our radiographers went shopping for the day (sorry, took industrial action) and the entire NHS, other than emergencies, ground to a halt. Actually it proved to be a rather nice time in the department - no hassles and I caught up on lots of gossip intermingled with the odd bit of “heart normal, lungs clear”. As thousands marched to protect their pensions, politicians wailed that children were being deprived of a whole day of schooling, their lives blighted for ever by the irresponsible actions of overpaid public sector employees.

Our CEO has just done his annual Private Frazer impression (“we’re all doomed”), announcing a massive austerity package of our own to deal with the trust’s deepening financial crisis (also known as PFI) with all the usual ingredients of recruitment freeze, no paid study leave, no agency locums, etc. The trouble is that we have heard it all before, exactly the same message year after year, “this is the worst  ever; if we can just get through this year things will be better.” Only they never are!

The trouble is that I have developed disaster fatigue, an increasingly common condition these days. It is caused by relentless 24 hour news of dire events assaulting from every side. Its symptoms are a desperate desire to close your eyes, bury your head in the sand, pull the duvet over your head, drink lots and lots of chilled Chardonnay, smash the TV and radio, strangle anyone who tries to tell you anything or join a closed monastery. I think I have all the symptoms, and a few more besides.

Of course as a good Christian I turn to the Bible for solace and comfort, but read, “You will hear of wars and rumours of wars…Nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth-pains.” (Matthew ch.24, v.6-8). Who says the bible is not topical?

However like Mr Henslowe, the theatre owner in Shakespeare in Love, I want to say, “Strangely enough, it all turns out well. I don’t know (how). It’s a mystery”. Well perhaps it will.

“And while you are wasting time honing your fine prose,” mutters the wife, “could I just remind you that it is Christmas in less than three weeks.”

“La, la, la, la - I can’t hear you!”

Politicians remind me of the naked guy at my gym

By Tom Goodfellow - 14th October 2011 5:52 pm

An amusing Michael McIntyre sketch came to mind recently where he portrayed a narcissistic man getting showered and changed at the gym. Now most of the guys at the one I go to are either crumblies like me, or thirty-somethings with prematurely expanding waistlines hoping that five minutes of slow jogging will restore them to an Adonis-like physique.

However the other week McIntyre man actually appeared in the changing room. He stripped off his Lycra, and showered with the door wide open so we could all witness the water bouncing off his rippling pecs and muscular buttocks. He then ostentatiously dried himself, one leg up on the bench in the middle of the room, while he towelled his (admittedly impressive) assets for all to admire. He then pranced round wearing the most funky underpants I have ever seen, canary green and clearly purchased on-line from a ’specialist’ site (“and just how would you know that,” mutters the wife darkly).

All the rest of us, clad mainly in M&S attire, were suitably humiliated - it was the gym equivalent of having sand kicked in our faces. But in the end he was just a self-obsessed poseur, which brings me straight to the subject of politicians and political conferences, thankfully now finished for another year.

Do they think we are stupid, or are the political classes now so isolated from the real world that they think we actually appreciate being treated as complete idiots? The whole conference scenario seems to have little to do with conferring any more, but everything to do with image processing and manipulation.

A modern radiology image is a subject in which I have more than a passing interest. With our clever scanners, and all the bells and whistles attached to PACS systems, we can take a pile of digital data and produce whatever you want to see. We will take you on a virtual tour of every nook and cranny of the human body, even the bits you forgot existed. However despite our cleverness we never lose touch with the fact that we are dealing with image only, and not the flesh and blood of human reality from which the images are ultimately derived.

But modern politics now seems to have completely lost touch with such reality, and image is all there is. Like most of us I observed the main three party conferences, hoping for something of substance. But the conferences have become a conviction-free zone. Such policy as there is seems chosen only for the next day’s headlines on the pick-and-mix principle. The vaunted leader’s speech is heavily trailed beforehand so we know what he is going to say, broadcast live so we hear what he is saying, and then endlessly dissected once we know what he has said! Every line of the speech is written and re-written by a bunch of hacks for maximum newsworthyness. But actually they said almost nothing.

All I remember from the Tory week is the home secretary’s cat story - ‘Cat-gate‘ as the media termed it (or more accurately ‘cat-flap’ I would have thought).

I watched the Miliboy attempting to portray himself as a credible future Prime Minister. But a radio journalist let slip that he had accidentally gate-crashed him rehearsing his walk-on to the podium, smiling and waving to non-existent cheering crowds. You couldn’t make it up!

As to the third lot - well can anyone remember anything at all about their get-together?

The issues currently facing the NHS, let alone the nation, are huge - pension reform, cut-backs, PFI hospitals going bust (oops, you mean we actually have to pay this mortgage?), appalling nursing standards in some hospitals, the demographic time-bomb, the Health Bill, etc. Was any of this even mentioned? I don’t remember.

Sadly McIntyre man is alive and well in politics. Despite all the preening and posturing, there is a serious lack of substance.