I’ve coined a new word - malarious. It’s what I think of the fact that Cheryl Weedy has been struck down by the plasmodes. I’m no big fan of the Geordie pugilist, not least because I can vouch for the fact that Cashley was a genuinely nice bloke before she got her acrylics into him.

It’s a lovely example of how the über rich think that life’s normal rules don’t apply. Just like the priapic Tiger using the moral compass of an alley cat, although the apparent realisation of his humanity has seriously screwed his golf ‘tekkers’.

So Cheryl and ‘new hunk’ Derek Hough jetted off to malaria-ridden Tanzania. It was a surprise arranged by him. Well it turned out to be a hell of a surprise. Cherrek probably think that Pro Phil Axis teaches tennis. Africa is not a continent it is wise to go to on a last minute whim. Him indoors and I are going to Namibia next year for a charity project (more of which in due course) and we’ve already started our planning.

She collapsed during a photoshoot. No doubt the ugly mosquito bites will be airbrushed out. Ultimate proof that airbrushing is only skin deep.

No doubt the new people’s princess will become an ambassador for malaria awareness. I hope she goes further, and donates some of her vast fortune, as one child in Africa dies every 30 seconds of malaria, that’s over a million a year. It’s relatively cheap and easy to prevent, so she could make a real difference.

We shall see, probably malaria will become the latest must-have celebrity accessory. ‘During Sunday afternoon, Cheryl went downhill quickly. She was sweating and shaking and in a bad way.’ The same friend told the Mail. Well it’s a damn sight cheaper than the way Kate Moss has achieved the same effect.

I hear that Jordan has already rung Harrods to see if she can get Malaria in pink.

I wish the miniature pronounciation-mangler a speedy recovery, despite what she did to Ashley. Apparently she spent two whole hours in intensive care, which is longer than most SpRs.

But maybe she knows more about malaria than I do.

According to the Mail Online: ‘A friend last night told the Daily Mail: “Cheryl hadn’t been feeling herself for about a week.”’ And here’s me thinking you caught it from infected mosquitos.