Along with nearly 27 million other Britons, I have been making my New Year resolutions.

Determined not to be amongst the 40% who fail within the first month, I decided to make them along NHS guidelines. They even have tools for your desktop or smartphone, and you’ve got to love a widget…

I am going to share them with you, because then I will have to stick with them, won’t I?

Firstly, I am going to give up smoking. Apparently I’ll look less wrinkly, smell nice, save loads of money, feel better, and live longer. I started the widget, and entered the number of ciggies I have a day. Bingo, I’m now a non-smoker, I’ve managed 47 minutes so far! This resolution malarky is going to be a piece of wee wee, particularly as I don’t even smoke.

Next I am going to lose weight (important now that I’ve given up a non-existent nicotine habit) and get fitter. The keep active tool suggests I should become a volunteer, I wonder how that works? I need to do 30 minutes of activity every day - knitting - that covers that. 

To lose weight after Christmas (although spending the festive season in Marrakech has left me in slight negative equity anyway), I will walk 10,000 steps a day. With my pedometer on me at all times, I shall stride 6.6km on a daily basis. The dogs will be delighted, and after three months, I’ll be just south of Selkirk.

I will also eat healthily. The supermarket healthy swap widget has removed the freshly squeezed orange from my trolley, and replaced it with a carton of Tropicana. Eh? The family will eat healthily too. New guidelines suggest that children should only be allowed solids if they can sit up with good head control, and accurately reach for a banana. So I’m going to have to go back to breastfeeding my son, after he’s had a few pints of cider.

Although that nice Professor Donaldson won’t let him have any until the end of February, when he gets to fifteen.

Talking of alcohol, I will stick to the daily recommended level of two to three units for women, and, no, I won’t save them all up for Saturday night because I know that is BAD for you. 

I will drink my 123 mls of anti-oxidant Merlot all in one go. I will also take careful note of my mental state, the widget says I am unhealthily stressed at work, and that I am depressed. If anything is making me depressed it’s these NHS tools.

Finally, I promise not to upstage Bob Bury (our new blogger). That’s one resolution I will stick to.