I don’t think I’ll get to the age of 94. I don’t want to live in Bournemouth and smell of wee. So, I am a little overdue for a mid-life crisis (unless getting tattoos, and a husband ten years younger, counts).
Instead of a crisis, I’m going to get me a mid-life check, oh indeedy. There’s even a tool on the internet to help you, kindly provided by the government, and you know how much I love those institutions. I tell you what, let’s do it together…
A few details about me, what would I like to be called? Your Majesty. Date of birth, choose the gender of my virtual GP. So far, so good. I am in excellent health, I eat my five portions of fruit and veg a day (wine is made from fruit after all), and I have someone I can trust with my worries and problems (dear reader that is you).
I did no exercise at all last week (now starts the slippery slide), my waist is 30 inches, I weigh 68kg (please don’t nag me about mixing my units, looking at the scales was enough chastisement), and I am five foot five, or five eleven in the Jimmy’s.
I’m not a carer (surprise, surprise I hear you cry), I don’t take drugs, not entertaining ones anyway, and I gave up smoking 28 years ago. More than half way there now. I drink a fair bit on a proper night out, but I’ve been with the same - long-suffering - bloke for seven years. I am not depressed, stressed, or pessimessed (sorry, it’s the reverse of being an optimist, with artistic license).
Despite the salt my BP is normal, I have no history of cardiovascular disease, and I am not chronically ill. Save your comments for the end, please.
Some demographic questions, to make sure they are hitting a cross-section of the community…and voila!
The results…Smiley faces for eating, emotional wellbeing and weight. Bored faces for smoking and alcohol, advice on where to go if I’m tempted to fall off my 28 year smoking bandwagon, and a suggestion to drink more water at parties.
Do these people not know what fish do in water? Finally, a downright grimace for exercise. OK Guvnor, you’ve got me banged to rights on that one. I’m off to join a gym.
Let me know how you get on with the check!
I just did mine and it said I should buy a sports car and have an affair with my secretary…
Do people - even quite stupid ones - really need a mid-life check to tell them how healthy they are? Most of our public health strategies are deeply patronising.
Clearly what you need is a whole body CT scan. Funnily enough, I’ve just been reading about them nearby…
Sarah - you wouldn’t have to live in Bournemouth. There’s always Harrogate.
The uriniferous smell, however, may be inescapable.