Couldn’t organise a FTP panel in a brewery
For just a moment there, when I read this, I thought my journalistic career might be cruelly cut short, and I’d be back in harness at the Middle Bit of England Trust. But I’ve checked the letter the GMC sent me, and I don’t think I’m one of the doctors wrongly informed that they had been brought to the attention of the Fitness to Practice Inquisition Panel.
It seems they’ve got CCTV footage of that unfortunate incident in the lap-dancing gentlemen’s club and a DNA match from a jobby left in the Medical Director’s in-tray, so it looks like they mean business. Not that I care. I’m enjoying my new role, and it’s not as if I need my NHS salary. I’ve always worked under an assumed name at the cosmetic surgery clinic, and fortunately they aren’t too fussy about paperwork.
Still, it’s yet another example of the GMC’s inability to get anything right, despite all that money they rip us off for every year (or used to - I suppose I won’t need to pay a subscription once they strike me off. Not that I’m pre-judging the outcome of the hearing, of course. You will long ago have realised that I am, by nature, a sunny optimist).
Surely there’s been some sort of mistake…
Now I’m the first to admit that I may have made a few mistakes in my time - that night with The Krankies and my ex-wife (fanarsingdabbydosy … not), an apprenticeship in radiology (what was I thinking), and even the reasons behind my recent career change. But I’m paying my dues. Suspension and public humiliation (or at least it would be humiliating if I gave a stuff for the opinion of the lumpen proletariat, aka patients).
And yet THIS BLOKE lets a bunch of wbankers off a £10 billion tax bill and walks away with a smile on his face. The only one who gets it in the neck is Mr Mba, the whistleblower who drew attention to this minor accounting error. I feel a lot of sympathy for Mba - after all, my actions were essentially aimed at drawing attention to the deficiencies of the senior medical management at the Middle Bit of England NHS Trust. Who’d have thought it - me, a downtrodden whistleblower?
Don’t let the bed bugs bite
So, the little buggers don’t like hairy skin? I can think of several erstwhile colleagues who may feel reassured by that. Beardy dweeb urologist Johnson (you remember him?) will certainly have cause to feel grateful, assuming the rest of his body is as hairy as his earnest let-me-explain-to-you-the-importance-of-responding-promptly-and-sympathetically-to-patients’-complaints face. Not to mention the chief nurse - her legs looked like the sort of thing you’d see emerging from the kilt of a particularly hirsute caber-tosser.
Scots find new ways to die
And talking of Scotsmen (see what I did there), I see that our enterprising neighbours north of the border have reacted positively to the news that their record death rates from cancer, heart disease and stroke are unaccountably falling, and are well on the way to restoring the status quo by ceasing all physical activity and subsisting on a diet of deep-fried Mars bars, Tunnock’s teacakes and Buckie.
At least there will less whining about independence. Give them what they want, I say. Now we’ve used all the North Sea gas, and found a new supply of our own in the shale under Blackpool, pull up the drawbridge, rebuild Hadrian’s wall, and let them pay for their own healthcare instead of sponging off us…
Nuns on the job?
I was taken by the idea that nuns should start taking the oral contraceptive, to protect them from their current high rates of breast, ovarian and uterine cancer. Not sure what the Pope will make of it, but assuming he’s OK with the idea, why not go the whole hog and let them get pregnant? Funnily enough, I’ve got a film on my lap top that covers this issue in graphic detail. It would provide an outlet for all those Benedictine monks currently in hot water, and ensure a steady supply of priests for the seminaries. There - job done. I wouldn’t be surprised if they make me a Papal Knight. If it’s good enough for Jimmy Savile…
GMC in subscription fee cut shocker!?!
Just as I am preparing myself for a future that no longer requires me to give huge sums of money to the GMC in order for them to persecute me and screw up even the simplest paperwork relating to my registration (see first item), they REDUCE their subs for the first time in living memory. Well, I hope you all make the most of it.
Personally, I’d advise sending the £30 you now have spare to the ‘Free the Middle Bit of England NHS Trust One’ campaign, c/o Lenny Spudge, 3A Inkerman Terrace (over launderette), Wolverhampton.
Tags: Humour
