Union should stop trying to derail the fun time express

Well it’s BMA conference season, but we don’t seem to have had the usual run of idiotic self-important prohibitionist policy pronouncements of no relevance to the remit of a doctors’ trade union. Oh, wait…

“Doctors will urge alcohol ban on all public transport at the BMA conference.”

Excuse my French, but what in arse’s name has that got to do with the BMA? Does it have a transport subcommittee?

“Dr Christine Robison, an anaesthetist in Edinburgh who proposed the move, said she recently had a return train trip from Edinburgh to Oxford disrupted in both directions by drunk young men and women, and football supporters, swearing, throwing beer cans, making constant noise and talking loudly about sexual behaviour, with families and children within earshot.”

Well, what a coincidence! I happened to take a train journey with a group of colleagues, from Middle Bit of England Parkway to Edinburgh for our annual golf piss-up weekend, and my journey was disrupted both ways by some whingeing Scots harridan complaining because we’d had a few drinks.

Absolutely legendary trip, though. I’d brought a whole load of claret, and we were going at it like a bastard, and Dan the Fat Gasman was regaling us with tales of his many, varied and completely mythical sexual conquests. Then this lemon-face old trout came up and started having a go, telling us we shouldn’t be allowed to drink on trains, especially as it was only 7am. I replied - politely - that technically speaking, in an ideal world, she shouldn’t be allowed out in public without a bag on her head, but we were easy-going people and we’d overlook it this once.

Then - I remember this very clearly - her eyes narrowed, and she said in a chilling voice: “I’m going to get the BMA onto you!”

There was an eerie silence, as we all confronted the terrible implication of those words, and to a man we each looked into our hearts and reflected on our selfish behaviour. One or two wept openly, as we contemplated our deep shame.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Like arse we did! Dan let out an enormous belch that nearly derailed the train, then we all started singing rugby songs. I don’t remember much else about the trip, except that Dan went to the loo and did an enormous crap, and they had to evacuate the carriage, before abandoning it somewhere south of Crewe (and I won the golf, obviously, playing a legendary back nine).

Still, if the BMA gets its way, we won’t be able to drink on the train next year. We’ll have to drive up instead!

Tags: BMA