OSCE’s an anagram for ‘complete waste of time’

What a load of arse. Just got roped in to helping with the exams for the bloody students, a group of ladies and gentlemen with whom I share a deep and mutual respect. This, of course, is one of the 11 million things that used to be fun but now is just a massive pain since somebody decided to make it all ‘better’.

Once upon a time, we would drag a few patients from the wards, who incidentally, would be deeply honoured to help with the exams for the young doctors. Then we’d get the students in one by one, bully and humiliate them and generally dance around poking them with sticks. If they were good at rugby or wearing a short skirt they’d probably pass. And this is the time-honoured technique that over the years has produced outstanding doctors such as myself.

Now of course it’s all changed. Some smartarse with nothing better to do decided they should be examined using something called an ‘OSCE’, where they go through various ’stations’, each devoted to a particular topic. And it’s totally boring because all the questions are set, and the whole thing is timed precisely and they all move around every five minutes, and after half an hour of this you want to kill yourself.

So anyway, I get given the ‘abdominal examination’ station, and I walk into the cubicle and find not a patient, but an arsing actor called Rupert! Can you believe it? Some ponsed-up out-of-work luvvie who’s sitting in the lotus position ‘preparing for his role’. I read through the questions I’m supposed to ask, which are all mind-bendingly easy and stupid, so I changed a few to make it more interesting. And the first few students come through and it all seems fine but then all hell breaks loose, and the ‘Ac-Tor’ flounces out in a huff and says he’s quitting.

And I’m like: how can the students properly examine an abdomen if I don’t make them perform a rectal examination?

Anyway, I end up getting relegated to the station that no-one else wants to do: basic life support, where the students have to resuscitate this dummy that collapsed on the floor in a car park or something. It’s utterly crap and boring. It’s so boring that after a while I have to think up little games to keep myself awake. First I just failed every third candidate. Then I decided to fail the ones who did it really well and give the dangerous no-hopers a distinction.

But, it’s funny - in the end I actually learnt something. Specifically, I learnt that watching an attractive young woman in a tight T-shirt straddling a dummy and doing CPR, is extremely enjoyable. So I got her to do a couple more cycles, you know just to make sure. I even filmed it on my mobile for later reference…

Must have lost track of time, because the next thing I know the Headmaster comes barging in saying I’ve been at it for half-an-hour and there are six students backed up waiting and the whole thing’s a complete shambles.

Yeah, well. See? OSCE’s. Stupid idea.

Tags: Humour, Medical students