If you wondered why I haven’t been around recently, I’ve been spending some quality time cloistered with my medical defence team, because it transpires that today’s NHS managers can’t cope with employees who demonstrate any spark of individuality or original thought. Well, sod them, bunch of unimaginative ingrates.
I was finding all the right-on hand-washing, patient choice, evidence-based medicine, namby-pamby bloody nonsense too restricting anyway, so I frankly welcome the opportunity to strike out in a new direction - THE MEDIA. If that big-collared plonker Harry Hill can do it, so can I.
To that end, I’m pleased to announce that the Editor has given me a roving brief to comment on the medical news stories of the day, and you know? - I think this could be what I was born for.
IT’S TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP. If the Ed wants THE JERRY NELSON VIEW OF THE NEWS, he’s going to get THE JERRY NELSON VIEW OF THE NEWS. It’s high time someone else other than that thoroughly sensible chap Littlejohn made some sense.
The only challenge will be choosing between the numerous examples of twattery which assail us on all sides (and whether I can get a full 18 holes in before I have to start my punditry).
As well as the welcome challenge of a new career in journalism, I’ll also get a break from that bunch of irritating wasters I’ve been forced to share a theatre suite with for the past ten years - no need to watch Dan the Fat Gasman wobbling round theatre with his tits falling out of his top, smelling of sweat and defeat; no more coffee breaks spent listening to menopausal Rosa Kleb look-alike theatre sisters moaning because someone’s eaten all their Quality Street. And no more lectures on ‘professional principles’ (or my perceived lack of) from Billy-no-mates knob jockeys who think that spending all day sticking telescopes up willies has anything to do with proper surgery.
So, as a taster of things to come, let me give you my first batch of perceptive insights into the news stories of the day…
WTF!!!!? CHIEF EXEC SACKED FOR SWEARING
You’d probably expect me to start with this one, and you’d also expect me to concentrate on whistleblowers, and give it as my humble opinion that anyone ratting on his or her medical colleagues should be given a good kicking. But no - I can’t even think about that. I’m too pre-occupied by the ludicrous suggestion that anyone could be sacked just for saying ‘fuck’ nine times in two years. I mean…..fucking hell - I said it nine times before breakfast. And this was in the depths of Lincolnshire. You’d think they’d be too busy strumping their cousins and livestock to worry about a few swearwords.
JACKO’S WACKO DOC GOES DOWN
I see that Michael Jackson’s doc has been found guilty of giving his patient a powerful anaesthetic agent while lacking the expertise to deal with the consequences. Let’s hope they don’t come after Dan the FG - he’d have to ask for 14,856 other offences to be taken into consideration. Not least the one where he connected the anaesthetic gases to the chest drain instead of the ET tube. (Then the corpulent nonentity had the nerve to complain when I slashed the piping with a scalpel - thus saving the patient’s life. Great sound when his chest decompressed though - like an elephant farting.)
THE LIGHTS ARE ON BUT IS ANYONE HOME?
As for the discovery that some patients in a vegetative state show evidence of awareness on electrical testing, I can think of a few members of staff at my erstwhile place of employment who should be given the once-over. Starting with the social workers, and anybody with ‘facilitator’ or ‘practitioner’ in their job title. Not to mention that Prius-driving knobhead of a ‘Medical Director’.
SCOTS GET THE TROTS
So people are being advised not to eat Lloyd Grossman’s korma sauce because it might give them botulism? Frankly, anyone eating anything marketed by that irritating git deserves all they get. Anyway, it’s only the Scots who are affected. Let the outbreak run its course. And perhaps ship a few crates to Wales.
FRESH AIR BAD FOR YOU
Apparently, the government is backsliding on its obligations to improve air quality, and it’s costing lives. However, your conscientious reporter has taken the trouble to read the report carefully, and it turns out that for most of us, we’re only talking a month or two off our life expectancy. Only the most severely affected will be scythed down years before their due date, and guess who the most severely affected are? Cyclists. So that’s OK, then. Bastards.
Yes, I think perhaps I could get the hang of this.