Learning about tax loopholes from the master

Well, thank goodness the weather has improved. Been completely snowed in at home, unable to make it in to work without undertaking a treacherous half-mile journey down a flat road which, although it had been ploughed, salted and gritted, still looked a bit too dangerous for me to risk the new Range Rover on.

Needless to say, Dweeb Urologist Johnson sweated it in 20 miles in a Toyota Prius from the arse end of nowhere, and stopping every hundred yards to dig himself out of snowdrifts and losing three toes to frostbite in the process. All that tells you is how very, very badly he wanted to look up old men’s knobs with a telescope. Luckily, despite the relative confinement, my time was not completely wasted since the routes to the private hospital and the pub looked just that little bit less tricky. 

And of course the Test Match was on. Phew!

Still, back to the treadmill today, only to be presented with this joyous piece of news. What a bunch of arse. As if they don’t get their claws on enough of our money! Luckily I have nothing to worry about, since my financial affairs are in the hands of the top accountants Spudge & Co. I must say, they were a real find. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you hire someone who really understands the rules in detail. Over the years they have saved me thousands. It’s equally amazing how many people are unaware of some of these loopholes.

For example, did you know that you don’t have to declare income from private patients who’ve died? That saved me a ton of money on its own. 

Or from patients who have a ‘Q’ in their names? Or from anyone who had surgery on a Tuesday? Or that the government throws away all your records after six months, so you can’t be done for anything that happened before then? Or that it is quite Ok to tax-deduct school fees, child maintenance payments, groceries, holidays and golf equipment? Neither did I! See what quality advice can do?

All the same, given the climate, I think I will give Spudge a ring check it’s all Ok. 

UPDATE

Funny. Keep getting ‘number unobtainable’.

Tags: Humour