Oh, for arse’s sake what NEXT??!?!??
They’re not content with banning smoking. They’re not content with banning butter. Now that weasely little sixth former Andy Burnham reckons he’s going to set MINIMUM PRICES for alcoholic beverages?! WTF??!!
All the usual bollocks, complete with made-up statistics about how this measure will save fifty thousand lives a day, and save the NHS twenty million billion pounds. And of course when it’s shown to do no such thing, it’ll be because the minimum price is too low, so they’ll keep cranking it up and up until a screw top bottle of Happy Shopper British Wine, ‘Red Flavoured’ costs the same a Chateau Lafite.
And why? Just because of ‘binge drinking’. Well who is doing the binge drinking, you morons? Yes, the WORKING CLASSES. All that trouble you see in town centres on a friday night, it’s all lowlife - chavs, oiks, slappers, anaesthetists. It is completely unreasonable to punish us all for the antics of a few.
Targeting the price increases - on people who didn’t go to private school, say, or anyone who uses the word ‘toilet’ - THAT would make much more sense. But no, we’ve all got to suffer.
And what about the poor retailers, like the chap at my local corner Supa Cheapo Mart? What’s he going to do when he’s no longer allowed to sell 26 cans of premium super strength ‘Battery Acid’ lager to people who look more or less eighteen for £1.99? He’ll go out of business!
Anyway, I was messing around in the office, sending anonymous hate e-mail to various cabinet ministers, when who should drop by but my old mate Keith.
Keith’s a nice chap, good for a chinwag, and he puts a brave face on what has been - if we’re honest - a fairly sad life. You see, everything was looking rosy for Keith, he’d graduated medical school and had the world at his feet, when tragically - and without warning - he became an eye surgeon. Now the poor man has to spend all day looking down microscopes and poking at things with tweezers. It’s sobering for those of us lucky enough to have a proper job.
Anyway, he pops up looking all chirpy, and starts going on about the NHS supply chain and how it has some really useful things on it you can buy. I must say I rather drifted off at that moment, expecting him to start extolling the virtue of some whizzy new phakoemulsification machine or something. But then he showed me THIS.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHA!!!
So, Mr Burnham, the first health secretary who has to be picked up after Cabinet meetings by his mum, is being all butch and telling everyone he’s going to ‘ban cut-price supermarket deals on alcohol’. Yet, where a litre of cider at Sainsbury’s will cost you £1.47, he’s knocking it out for £1.32, or £1.27 if you buy in bulk!
Hmmm, I wonder if Dan the Fat Gasman has a departmental cost code? I feel a party coming on with the nurses on Mandela ward.
Toga! Toggaa! Togggaaa!
Fantastic discovery Jerry - mine’s a diamond white please…
Are there reductions on white wine spritzers? If so, do order me one.