I am, quite simply, a legend.
All those years trying to eject the great nose-picking arse Dan the Fat Gasman from my lists, and replace him with the luscious, posh totty Gabrielle, all to no avail. Yet in the end it was so easy.
You may remember I was recently alerted to the useful things one can purchase from the NHS supply chain.
Now for some reason, possibly due to an outbreak of ebola virus in the Anaesthetic Department, they made Dan their clinical director. So all I needed to do was wait for him to drop off over some paperwork at the head end, then make a note of his departmental cost code. Then…
Of course, he was very chuffed. When one of your colleagues throws a big party in your honour, to express their respect and admiration, and to say a big thank-you for all your (cough) hard work, it’s flattering. We even declared the day of the party ‘Dan The Fat Gasman Day’. The whole hospital was invited, doctors, nurses, managers, spouses and partners. And just in case that wasn’t enough to fill the Great Hall, I put out a couple of ads on FaceSpace and MyBook
What. a. night. Of course, everyone responsibly enjoyed alcoholic beverages according to the government’s wise health guidelines, which took about ten minutes, after which we all got completely wankered. A few extras turned up - a couple of thousand teenagers, some skinheads, the local chapter of the Chicken Head Death Motorbike Bastard Squad.
I think the police were involved - I vaguely remember some people with riot shields and a couple of horses wandering around. Unfortunately the hospital got a bit trashed - nothing too serious, just a few broken windows, and the occupational health department got burned down. I woke up in a student nurse’s room wearing waders (never did find out what happened to my toga).
I must say, give NHS supply chain their due, the booze was endless. And very reasonably priced too, as I’m sure Dan appreciated the next day, when he got the bill.
It all happened rather quickly after that. The Turnaround Team was sent in within days. They said they’d never come across a trust that had rung up a seven million pound deficit by blowing it all on booze.
Radical cost-cutting measures were taken, including shutting down all non-essential services, like the department of General Medicine. And Dan was sent on gardening leave.
Still, it may turn out for the best. New research has shown that being an anaesthetist can be bad for your health.
Tags: Humour
