Arsington bloody arsey arse. We’ve all been told we have to complete a load of nonsense called ‘mandatory training’. It never bloody stops, does it? You might think with a name like that it would be learning something super-important of benefit to our patients.
But, no. It’s just the usual irrelevant lowest-common-denominator tick-boxing drivel that can and should be summed up in a sentence:
Fire prevention: don’t play with matches.
Health and safety: don’t do anything stupid.
Manual handling: nurse, shift this patient. And get me a cup of tea.
It’s all on the bloody computer too. Actually, I don’t mind that bit, it means I can do mine in clinic while pretending to listen to the patients droning on. It also means I don’t have to take a whole arsing day out of my busy schedule to listen to some overpaid windbag nurse ‘educator’ split her infinitives.
But the greatest achievement of the i-learning modules is how they’ve managed to pitch them at people with the intelligence of plywood. “Fire may be caused by arson”. Er, yes love, that’s what ‘arson’ means.
“Likelihood means how probable is it that the hazard (for example, crossing a road) will cause harm (for example, being hit by a car)?” No shit. That’s 15 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.
Each course has a test at the end, but if you fail, you can try again. Which means if you are someone who can only dream of being as intelligent as an inert piece of timber product, you can have as many goes as you like.
The only exception to this is the course on ‘diversity awareness’ (summary: RACIST!!!!). If you fail that twice you have to go into some sort of racism rehab camp where you apologise for slavery in front of a portrait of Mary Seacole (ahem, sorry, Mary Seacole) for three to five years.
Quick letter to chief exec:
Dear leader-for-the-week,
I notice that failing ones diversity awareness training is considered a more serious problem than failing the module on say, fire safety. I assume therefore that if there’s a fire, and I kill all the patients by herding them into the lift, it’s OK so long as I do so while respecting all their various cultures and religious practices?
Yours etc
What a load of arse.
UPDATE
What’s wrong with this bloody computer? It keeps telling me I’ve failed the health and safety course!! Arse!!
Tags: Health & safety, Humour