One of the best things about this new Information Superhighway thingy is that you learn new things every day with just a few clicks of the mouse. During my idle moments, like in clinic, say, when some patient is droning on about all their tedious problems, I surf away and pick up all sorts of little gems. For example, I have recently learnt all about something called ‘Fisting’.
What you do, is take something that someone else has written that’s a whole load of arse, and challenge it line by line. (Er…shouldn’t that be ‘Fisking’? Ed).
Anyway, I thought I’d give it a go and I had to look no further than the pinko leftist ban-everything site called Hospitably Doctored and its succinct coverage on the latest pronouncements of the Royal Society for Public Health Fascists With Nothing Better To Do.
Here goes:
“The Royal Society of Public Health and UK Faculty of Public Health want the political parties to adopt a 12-step wish list to boost the nation’s health.”
Whether the ‘nation’ wants it or not. Note: political PARTIES plural, in case in our childish ignorance we try to vote against any of this arse gravy.
“Jointly representing about 9,000 public health professionals.”
Is it me or does that mean there are far too many of them?
“…their manifesto calls for: 1. A minimum price of 50p per unit of alcohol sold. Alcohol consumption in the UK has doubled over the last 40 years.”
Doubled!! Oh, no that sounds terrible, that means it’s as high as - save us, o wise Public Health Professionals - the level it was in 1900! You know, when the town centres were awash with vomiting Victorian Chavs beating up policemen, and everyone died of liver failure?
“Alcohol is now 69% more affordable than in 1980.”
What a load of arse. Check the Office of National Statistics. “Between 1980 and 2008, the price of alcohol increased by 283.3%. After considering inflation (at 21.3%), alcohol prices increased by 19.3% over the period”. Can you think of anything else that’s gone up by 20% in real terms, apart from the number of portentous authoritarian announcements from public health professionals?
“Tackling price and availability are the most effective alcohol policies.”
So, if we ‘tackle availability’ all the way to zero, the problem would disappear, as in prohibition-era America, when nobody drank. And there was no crime!
“No junk food advertising in pre-watershed television. The Ofcom measures, in 2006, to ban junk food advertising between programmes where 20% of the audience were younger than 16 have been ineffectual. A complete ban is needed to effectively reduce consumption of salt, saturated fats and sugars by children and adolescents, reducing the risk of cardiovascular disease later in life.”
So if a partial ban had no effect, why would you assume a complete ban would do anything, other than make you feel butch and important?
“25% increase in the number of cycle lanes and cycle storage facilities.”
Don’t get me started. Looks like they didn’t read this. Oh, and this is a cycle storage facility and they’re everywhere.
“Introduce presumed consent for organ donation.” Your kidneys now belong to the state. So they will take them out and give them to someone so cack-handed and useless they could only get a job in transplant surgery.
“Free school meals for all children under 16. Evidence shows that cardiovascular diseases can originate in childhood, and it is important to start good dietary habits early.”
‘Good dietary habits’? BWAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, that’s why we all still eat school meals as adults! School meals is a byword for ghastly inedible 14p-per-head state-delivered swill. Also dangerous in combination with previous item.
God helps us all. I shall leave the last word to Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies: ”Once again [doctors are] talking about ‘public’ health as if that’s an actual thing. There is ‘my’ health, which is ‘mine’, and ‘your’ health which is ‘yours’, but there is no ‘our’ health. D’you see?”
Quite.
Tags: Humour, Public health
Jerry, step away from the public health materials…