Even if your hands look clean, remember where they’ve been

Oh dear God.

Readers, I’m afraid this bolg post must come with a warning for those with a delicate disposition, particularly anyone who, like me, has an aversion to bad rap music performed by ugly nurses.

You may remember a run-in I had recently with the Infection Control Gestapo.

Well it would appear I got off lightly. In Milton Keynes, their infection control nurses have come up with THIS.

(I warn, you, try not to watch the whole thing in one go. Do it a minute or so at a time, then take a break to wander around the house punching inanimate objects.)

If nothing else, it confirms a number of Nelson’s fundamental laws of physics, namely:

1. All infection control nurses are unspeakable munters.

2. They have far too much time on their hands.

Let us take a few moments to bask in this wondrous, patronising, lowest-common-denominator, borderline racist creation. Let us marvel at the fatuousness of the idea, wonder at its embarrassing sub-1980’s Grange Hill “Just Say No” pointlessness. Let us rejoice in the thought that we are all paying these idiotic people to produce this drivel.

“Nurse Jenny Brooks, who is in charge of infection prevention and control at Milton Keynes Primary Care Trust, believes the video is an effective training tool.”

Yes, dear, I’m sure you do. You took the trouble to bookend the ghastly thing with scenes of its perpetrators congratulating and agreeing with each other. So what? Can we look forward to the whole medical curriculum being translated into rap?

“It’s a serious message, delivered in a humorous, memorable way and hopefully one that will be useful to a wide audience, particularly for staff who speak English as a second language.”

I don’t think she’s referring to the herd of lumbering heffers in the video. None of them seems to have a first language. No, she’s referring to our overseas colleagues, some of whom have experienced poverty so severe, they’ve had to come and work for the NHS to escape it. Don’t you think they’ve suffered enough?

Now, who wrote it I wonder - Noel Coward? Bob Dylan? Oh, wait…

“We came up with the lyrics ourselves and just set them to music.”

YOU DON’T SAY!!! And they made up a little dance, too! Let us sample some of the stunning lyrics:

“Even if your hands look clean/Just remember where they’ve been”

“Germs aren’t fussy where they lurk/So you’ve got to do some work”

I shudder to think how many H-grade man hours this McGonagall-shaming bilge took to create. Actually, I just shudder. A lot. The whole thing is a cross between a primary school assembly and a stampede in an abbatoir during the BSE epidemic.

But then, might it all be just a clever joke?

“Milton Keynes Primary Care Trust is also selling the song for £25, as part of a five-minute education DVD.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yep, definitely a wind-up. Phew! You had me going there, girls.

Tags: Humour