Can’t bring myself to vote for the Illiberal Democretins

I popped into Dweeb Urologist Johnson’s theatre today. Not to talk to him you understand, but because I needed a pee.

It’s closer than the toilets and the typical urology theatre is two inches deep with dilute urine, so you can take a quick slash in the corner and no-one will notice.

I was pleased to see that since I lured posh totty anaesthetist Gabrielle to do my lists, they’re sending Johnson the procession of weeping SHOs that I used to get. Knowing him, he’s probably all sympathetic and makes them cups of tea, rather than shouting at them like you’re supposed to.

Anyway, I was just doing up my flies when he calls over. “So, Jerry, it looks like everyone’s going to vote Liberal Democrat, then.” Trust a urologist to support the yellow surge.

Now, I have actually given up following the election. I have stopped reading newspapers or watching TV. I just want the whole thing to be over and to wake up on 6 May to find that Gordon Brown has led his party to electoral annihilation and has had to take a job as a toilet attendant or urologist.

So imagine my surprise when I look up the latest poll to find the Illiberal Democretins are IN THE LEAD!

WTF?? What kind of parallel universe have I fallen into where you can say the words ‘Nick Clegg’ and not fall about laughing? Next thing you’ll be telling me some gigantic ash cloud has paralysed air travel over the whole of Europe.

Anyway, I thought I’d check out the Lump Dim’s health policy. It’s divided into seven handy categories, which makes it ripe for a bit of fisting (er, fisking - Ed).

1. Protecting frontline services

Ooh! Radical! Hopefully that means no longer spending NHS money on quack treatments that don’t work, like General Medicine.

2. Putting local people in charge

No, no, no, arsingwell no! Have you ever actually met ‘local people’? They’re all morons. And most of them don’t wash.

3. Patient contract

This means paying for people to go privately if the NHS can’t treat them on time. Excellent idea - maybe they’re not so bad after all. I’ve got my eye on a Bentley.

4. Improving GP services

With a 70% pay cut, I hope.

5. Patient safety

This one is interesting: “Patients’ lives are at risk because foreign doctors are allowed to work in the NHS without proper tests of competence and language.” That’s all you can think of to say about patient safety? What about all those damned nurses, many of whom are English, pretending to be doctors? No, instead it’s: “Bloody foreigners, can’t even speak English half of them.” What are they, the BNP?

6. A review of social care

Boring.

7. Respite care guarantee

Boring.

So, still going to vote Limp Dumb?

Tags: Election, Humour