Messy Business

Weird and wonderful stories from the theatres, wards and corridors of our hospitals. To contribute email editorial@hospitaldr.co.uk

Pride dented by embarrassing typos (2Rs 2Ss)

By Mike Broad - 1st March 2010 10:58 am

I almost felt sympathy for (empathy with?) the GMC the other day. Almost, but not quite.

Some smarty pants who will remain nameless (Anthony Roberts) had written in to GMC Today, the regulator’s magazine, criticising a mistake in the copy.

He wrote: “I found the juxtaposition of your article ‘Mistakes Happen’ with your own typo mistake in the following article title ‘…Office of the Health Professions Adjudicator (OPHA)’ [sic] rather illuminating. Your article stressed systems failure in prescribing. Your typo was a systems failure, in that spell checkers cannot accommodate all the millions of acronyms we now use, and are thus often disabled. I am sure we can learn from this example.”

Ouch!

I can’t talk. In the good old days, trade mags had banks of these strange creatures called sub-editors who’d turn writers’ amateurish scribblings into purple prose.

As the money leaked out of the industry, most of them rather unfairly got the chop and returned to their underground lairs.

So now, dear reader, the illiteracy of many writers is being exposed to the world with only a spell checker standing between them and ignominy (as you can see from this reader’s feedback at the bottom of another article on, surprise, surprise, the GMC).

Double ouch!

In reality, typos in Hospital Dr are more a personal failure than a systemic one. If you spot a significant one please let me know at editorial@hospitaldr.co.uk (free sub-editing: why didn’t I think of this earlier?!) but maybe reserve the withering scorn for the GMC.

Family planning advice that makes your eyes water

By Mike Broad - 22nd February 2010 2:24 pm

Sensible advice?

I think I may have come to the party late with this picture. Apparently it’s done the (grand?) rounds.

But it still made me laugh. Can anyone from Northampton General vouch for its authenticity? Or am I being had by some ‘photoshop’ hoaxer…

 

Pictures of ridiculous signs at your hospitals are gratefully received at editorial@hospitaldr.co.uk  

Here’s another one.

Stop clowning around - it’s scaring me

By Mike Broad - 16th February 2010 4:24 pm

I’ve worked with a few clowns over the years, but none with red noses and oversized shoes. I’ve always found something rather sinister about real clowns, probably a legacy of watching the clown scene in Poltergeist as an 11-year-old.

So, I’m not entirely happy to hear that the Big Lottery Fund has made a grant of nearly £10k available to recruit and train more clown doctors (and you thought ‘noctors’ were a threat).

As you may have guessed, they’re not medically qualified but instead work on the principle that laughter is the best medicine. They entertain sick children and are apparently very popular.

I, however, will be dropping a line to the GMC to ensure that the clown doctors are properly revalidated (and not possessed by evil spirits from the graveyard that the hospital is built on)…

The Things They Say: on specimen labels

By Mike Broad - 9th February 2010 10:44 am

I knew I could count on you to embrace the old format with open arms. And, as John proves, it doesn’t just have to be a mistake on a referral letter that can be funny.

He’s a consultant histopathologist, in Lincoln, and recalls receiving a mislabelled pathology specimen. A vulval biopsy was proudly described as ‘Labia Majorca’.

He pointed out to his colleagues that it sounded like a nice place to spend your holidays.

Keep them coming. Email editorial@hospitaldr.co.uk

The Things They Say: raising the curtain once more

By Mike Broad - 1st February 2010 12:04 pm

No so long ago, in a magazine with a similar name, we used to run a funny format called ‘The things they say’.

The ‘they’ related mainly to medical secretaries, and the ‘things’ concerned the nonsense they’d write in referral letters after mishearing or misunderstanding the doctor’s dictation.

Unlike my usual musings these days, it was genuinely funny. And I’d like to revive it. I can’t do this alone. What I need is for you lot to start submitting the examples which cross your desks once more.

You can either type the relevant bit of the letter into an email (remember to give it the context of preceding sentences) or scan the letter (suitably anonymised) and email a digital copy. Send them to editorial@hospitaldr.co.uk and label them The things they say. 

So, let’s make a start, here’s one from the vault just to whet your appetite:

Dear Doctor,

Thank you for seeing this lady whose ultrasound scan results show gallstones. My colleague has recently referred her to gastroenterology but I feel an operatic procedure will be more likely.

Yours…

Just goes to show it isn’t over until the fat lady sings.

Just getting over a nasty bout of Gammon Flu

By Mike Broad - 25th January 2010 11:33 am

Sorry I haven’t added anything to the Messy Business blog this week, I’m just getting over a bout of Gammon Flu.

It started out as Swine Flu, but then I went to the doctor and he cured it….

Pituitary gland is the new G-spot according to Cosmo

By Mike Broad - 14th January 2010 3:55 pm

I’m not going to try to explain why I was reading a copy of Cosmopolitan the other day. Much less why I was reading the problem page. (Ok, ok, it was a long train journey, I forgot to buy a paper and there it was on the seat!)

One ‘problem’ raised a smile (followed quickly by a wince and a tightening of the buttocks). A young lady wanted to know why her boyfriend keeps pushing her hand in the direction of his bum during their love making. She’s worried he’s secretly gay…

Don’t worry, Cosmo’s sex psychotherapist, Rachel Morris is on hand to provide some fruity advice. “I doubt very much he’s secretly gay, but the fact that a guy gets a sideways glance just because he’s partial to a bit of anal action explains why so few men admit to it,” she explains. “The anus is a mass of sensitive nerve endings, which is why plenty of folk enjoy being stroked, licked and entered there - for most men, it’s the third most erogenous zone after the penis and testicles. It’s because of the pituitary gland that sits close to the front of the anal wall and acts as a kind of G spot for men.”

Despite her lack of anatomical understanding, Rachel gently suggests they might both want to give it a go. So, if there’s an influx of lower intestinal injuries among young couples in A&E, you know they took Rachel a little too literally…

The science of talking complete and utter nonsense

By Mike Broad - 6th January 2010 10:08 am

Celebrities and science are often a dangerous combination. Many have the confidence that fame brings to make proclamations - on all sorts of subjects - but often without the necessary understanding to back it up.

Nowhere is this more obvious than with science. Sense About Science monitors questionable or incorrect statements by public figures and tries to explain the truth behind them.

It’s just released its annual review of 2009 and, as you might guess, there are some serious howlers.

Guess who said the following…

A. “There are even surveys suggesting that eating foie gras can lead to Alzheimer’s, diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. In short, eating foie gras is a tasty way of getting terminally ill.”

B. “Locally produced food is better for your health because the ingredients are far more nutritious than something that has been shipped from thousands of miles away.”

C. “Meat sits in your colon for 40 years and putrefies and eventually gives you the illness you die of. And that is a fact.”

D. “I avoid carbonated drinks - they sap all the oxygen from your body and make your skin wrinkly and dehydrated.”

E. “Like many women, I was unaware of the dangerous chemicals antiperspirants contain, which have been linked to breast cancer.”

F. “I’ve come to realise that birth control pills weren’t safe because is it safe to take a chemical every day? And how could it be safe to take something that prevents ovulation?”

Give up? Ok, A. Roger Moore (raise eyebrow everybody) B. Anthony Worrall Thompson (who also encouraged us to eat somewhat dangerous weeds from the garden) C. Heather Mills (need I say more) D. Shilpa Shetty (Bollywood actress) E. Natasha Hamilton (she’s in Atomic Kitten and, “no”, I hadn’t heard of her either) F. Suzanne Somers (American actress, as before).

I fear the charity won’t run out of material any time soon…

Too much over indulgence in the media of po-faced professors

By Mike Broad - 2nd January 2010 8:22 pm

I came up with my New Year’s resolution at the eleventh hour after having read one pious health story too many over the Christmas period.

Never again will I waste my time reading sanctimonious health stories propagated by po-faced professors.    

The Chief Medical Officer (oh how we’ll miss him) started the rot before Christmas by admonishing all us terrible parents for trying to introduce our children to sensible drinking in the home.  

Then the BMJ escalated the situation by saying Father Christmas is a bad role model because he eats and drinks too much. Cue tabloid headlines saying “Santa is an elf and safety nightmare”.

We then peaked with the Royal College of Physicians’ and NHS Confederation’s holier-than-thou stance on heavier drinking and its unsustainable costs for the NHS (£2.7bn a year apparently). Bet their Christmas parties were fun?!

The only decent health story all Christmas was by The Lancet when it warned that if you’ve been given a tarantula as a present be careful when cleaning its cage - one loyal owner did and received an ejected ‘mist’ of barbed hairs which dug into his eyes causing serious discomfort.

So, as a po-faced professor would say, a tarantula isn’t just for Christmas…

Forget mince pies, don’t mince (or mangle) your words

By Mike Broad - 22nd December 2009 10:18 pm

Ho, ho, ho. Tis the season of good will, and a chance to laugh at the NHS’ inability to express itself. I was dismayed to see health services featuring prominently in the Plain English Campaign’s Golden Bull Awards.

One patient explains: “I arrive at my GP, only to be told that I haven’t until I converse with a screen that invites me to ‘Touch the screen to arrive’. My electronic check-in is completed by touching a virtual button labelled ‘arrive me’.”

Oh dear, it seemed such a good idea at the partners’ meeting…

But the Department of Health tops it on their website with some wise words on prevention.  

“Primary, secondary and tertiary prevention: primary prevention includes health promotion and requires action on the determinants of health to prevent disease occurring. It has been described as refocusing upstream to stop people falling in the waters of disease.”

But not even our health bureaucracy can compete with the King of Spin, Lord Mandelson, on MPs’ expenses. “Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right.”