A manifesto that everyone would support

Gordon Brown has asked the Queen for her permission to dissolve Parliament. How could she possibly refuse? Apart from the constitutional considerations of doing so surely Her Majesty would agree with her loyal subjects that we could not have been expected to live with this Parliamentary shower any longer - some might add that an election should have been called a long time ago. I would!

The Archbishop of Canterbury may have got himself into hot water by suggesting that the Roman Catholic Church had lost all credibility in Ireland, but if his sentiments had instead been directed about our politicians then few would have raised an eyebrow. Credibility is as much at stake in the forthcoming election as the policies of the political parties themselves. Anyone listening to John Humphreys’ rants and raves against Lord Kinnock on the Today programme this morning might also be tempted to think that the credibility of that very programme is similarly at risk.

And we have four more weeks of this! Of shouting matches, pathetic attempts at points scoring, arguments never finishing because of interventions by radio or TV interviewers, cynical poster campaigns (what is an ‘air brush’ anyway?) party political broadcasts and patronising economics likening our recovery to Wayne Rooney’s sore ankle. Oh Bless!

I really don’t think I can put up with the unrelenting nonsense that accompanies what should be the greatest democracy on earth. The only saving grace is that it can’t possibly be as cringe-making as we see across the Big Pond - can it?

So I have decided to join the former chief executive of Lincoln Hospitals in attempting to join the NHS hero, Dr Richard Taylor as an MP. My manifesto is not about pleasing people but is about making those tough choices, hard and difficult decisions, about what is good for this country.

Put me on the radio, John Humphreys, and I will sell myself to the people. Petrol guaranteed never to be above 70p a litre, all pensions, public and private, to be based on final salary (except those engaged by Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs dealing with doctors), no enforced working beyond 50 years of age, Wednesday’s officially to be declared a mid-weekend, and mobile phones formally banned from railway carriages (“I’m on the train!” would be as outmoded as Chaucer’s English).

Tags: Election