Being of a ‘certain age’, I have just received my faecal occult blood testing kit as part of the colorectal cancer screening programme. I must say, it’s all very well put together, with little spatulas and a set of intructions so simple and clear that a gynaecologist could follow them. It does feel odd, though, to find yourself examining your own motions for the first time in 62 years. It all seems a bit, I don’t know…French. And the next time my little granddaughter asks if we can play ‘pooh sticks’, I’ll get a mental image of those spatulas.
Actually, I’m almost hoping that the test produces a (false) positive result, so that I need a colonoscopy. I had to have one a few years ago (false alarm - diverticular disease), and I really enjoyed it. No, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t the ‘oscopy itself, it was the drugs - pethidine and medazolam…mmmmmmm. Although I was at medical school in London during the swinging sixties, the free love/drugs thing passed me by completely, and the only drug-induced highs I have ever experienced have involved being pissed, and even then, I just tend to get maudlin and start showing people pictures of my kids. The old i/v sedation though, that was something else. I didn’t notice the procedure itself, and if the gastroenterologist had seen something interesting down the scope and had decided to crawl in himself to get a better look, I don’t think I’d have noticed that either. My wife, who drove me home, tells me the stupid grin (mine, that is) lasted for several hours. I can quite understand how that sort of thing could get addictive, he said, stating the bleeding obvious.
Still, it’s good to have a national screening programme that involves men as well as women, I’d begun to think we didn’t count. Is there a ribbon for colon cancer, and if so, what colour is it? Still mustn’t get on to the subject of ribbons just now - that’s a whole rant in itself, and could be a useful filler for one of these blogs if I find myself without a topic.
And this inconsequential contribution has taken so long to complete, that the result of my screening test has, improbably, been posted back to me in less than a week. And it’s negative, which means I’ll have to look elsewhere for mood-altering substances. And of course, now I’m thinking to myself ‘it’s only a screening test though - with a 75% sensitivity, you could still have cancer’. Lucky old patients - they are happy when they get the ‘all clear’. Too much knowledge, and all that.
Tags: Screening
And now I think about it - result back in less than a week? They can’t have done it properly, can they?
“Is there a ribbon for colon cancer, and if so, what colour is it?”
Occult Red obviously!
They were just going through the motions!
Also of a certain age, I will soon be getting one of these kits soon. I shall place it in the bin, unopened. Screening of any sort converts perfectly well people into patients and has the risk of significant harm which is glossed over by the enthusiasts.